If All Else Fails
by SaucyMongoose
Summary: Evil villains are more than destroying islands and bandicoots. They have lives beyond their evil career: family, friends, and membership discounts on laser proof toilet paper. Follow Dr. Cortex on his life long journey to decimate pesky imbeciles and prove to his colleagues he's the most diabolical villain around.


…

I've decided I want to join the Nefarious Villains' Guild. The discounts the organization offers on evil villain essentials are quite remarkable, especially the discounts on toilet paper. Do you know how hard it is to find cheap toilet paper on Wumpa Island? Do you know how hard it is to find any toilet paper at all?

The Nefarious Villains' Guild has ultra-plush toilet paper, ultra strong toilet paper, villainous baby wipes, and the greatest of them all, LASER PROOF TOILET PAPER. I could shop for toilet paper online and have it rush ordered. I could really reap the benefits here.

Speaking of toilet paper…

…

I've realized that the simpletons I've been working so hard to destroy all this time use leaves as toilet paper. LEAVES. I mean, what else would they use? Where else are they going to get toilet paper? They aren't signed up for some imbecile benefit guild are they?

If they are, I will find it and destroy it. Simpleton imbeciles will not get discounted toilet paper.

In other news involving discount toilet paper, I rush ordered a few packages of laser proof toilet paper last night and here they are today. They smell so new. I even received free laser proof toiletries as a gift for rushing my purchase.

I can't wait to use them.

…

I got a rash from my new toilet paper. I am not comfortable discussing this any further.

…

Today, I tried to return the toilet paper I was so excited about. I couldn't. After many heated phone calls, and a few strongly worded letters to the manufacturer of these devilish pieces of paper (the Nefarious Villains' Guild couldn't do anything because they weren't the people who made the product, just the distributor), I received another set of laser proof toiletries.

I don't know whether I should use them or not. My rash has finally gone away and DO NOT want it to make a flashy comeback. I realized that this free gift does not make up for all the pain, embarrassment, and ointment my bottom and I have gone through.

…

After long hours lying in bed and eating Rocky Road ice cream I rush ordered from the Nefarious Villains' Guild, I decided I deserved some stress relief. Destroying the imbeciles who inhabit Wumpa Island might take my mind off my… tragic rash.

…

I spent a few nights brainstorming the perfect plan to terminate the existence of a few bandicoots. I'm going to take all the leftover laser proof toilet paper and make the imbeciles gain highly irritating rashes that will hopefully spread to their bottoms. They will feel my wrath. They will feel my pain. They will feel irritation and itching.

They will need lots and lots of ointment.

…

Unfortunately, my awesome and glorious plan failed.

I dropped off the many packages of toilet paper on my archenemies' doorstep. I watched from afar with my newly purchased binoculars. You probably know where I bought them. Anyways, I saw the imbeciles take the boxes inside and open them. They hooped and hollered in excitement and I had a feeling those simpletons would use it. Who wouldn't? Laser proof toilet paper is amazing.

I returned the next day only to see the king of stupid sunbathing. The queen of stupid was working on some sort of new and useless gizmo. The… jester of stupid… was lifting weights. Everything was normal and stupid.

They obviously had some sort of immunity to the ravaging effects of the laser proof toilet paper. Disappointing, right?

I'm not too fazed. A rash won't kill a bandicoot I suppose. Maybe I was too mixed up in my own evil emotions. WHATEVER. It happens to everyone.

The important thing is that I set up an appointment with my dermatologist. I might have sensitive skin or something.

…

**I think I might continue this one. I sort of like it.**


End file.
